Chii vs. Fireworks
Test Date: May 9, 2004
- Chii UFO doll
- metal bar on two standees
- wood base
- large fireworks
WE ARE PROFESSIONALS: DO NOT TRY THIS TEST AT HOME!
One of our honorary scientists, an auto mechanic from the Deep South, concocted a special device for holding Chii. He placed a metal bar on two standees over a wooden slab, and then wired Chii to the bar with a thick, dangling wire. While wiring the doll, he observed that Chii was wearing no pants. We had nothing to do with that. We swear.
The "rocket" style fireworks launcher was placed directly underneath Chii. Note that the launcher advertised FLAMING BALLS. We were going to get a flaming ball all right, just not the type the manufacturer expected.
Prior to ignition, we squirted Chii with lighter fluid. We were only going to get once chance to perform this experiment, and we wanted to make sure it worked well. In retrospect, we may have used a little too much....
Chii caught on fire immediately and began burning with such intensity that all scientists present were required to step back. The fireworks ran out of juice quickly. The doll did not, and burned on in a dramatic fashion for a number of minutes before collapsing from the dangling wire and continuing to smolder on the wooden platform.
After almost five minutes, Chii's flames finally died out. All that was left was a hardened, putrid-smelling black sludge on the wooden plank. The plank ended up being thrown out, since the sludge refused to scrape away.
She's dead, Jim. And she's not coming back.
Despite her attraction to porn, Chii finds balls too hot to handle.